The highlight of my weekend was with my family. After my nieces toddler soccer game, which I saw a whopping 5 minutes of, we all went back to my Moms and watched the kids swim and chatted. They laid out trying to soak up the sun while I hid in the shade. I don’t bring my bathing suit for 2 reasons, (1) being in the sun takes a toll on my health (in the form of fatigue, rashes and general weakened immune system leaving me vulnerable for the week) and (2) I’m fucking fat.
My mom (as mentioned on previous posts) is doing the HCG diet. She is in her “Maintenance Phase,” so she is feeling great about herself and really amped on this diet. Her friend likes to do 5k races, neither are svelte and super lean but they are better bodies than mine in all the areas the mind fuck me because their body compositions are inherently different than my own. I’m bottom heavy, whereas they carry their weight up top. Grass is always greener and shit. So I’m all jealous and sadpants about it. These women are in their 50’s and I feel like I’m the fat guy. I thought you were suppose to stop caring when you get older!
I know I’m being unreasonable. We all want to be svelte, fit and healthy, regardless of age. And nowadays the standards of the age groups are getting closer and closer. I blame Madonna. I still have that feeling that I should look better than them in a bikini! And I get so upset that I can’t do all those things to slim me down quickly! …Mostly because I have done all those things to such an extreme that now I have a secret blog because My Life When Nobody Is Looking has become a catastrophe and it takes All Of Me to try and clean up.
BUT STILL! I want that smaller and thin body! When I’m around my mom I find myself thinking that I should do it too. It’s ONLY 30 days MAX of eating 500 calories a day…and there’s that shot thing to make you not feel all shitty and crazy. And then I can go right back to being healthy and just maintain the slimmer body. I fight with myself. I think how unhealthy that sounds and how The Internet said it was a placebo and 500 calories is unhealthy. And is it even a long term solution? I’ve gotten slim before…and then I went crazy and became bulimic. But that was because it was for more than 30 days, right? If I stop at the 30 than I can be okay!
I’m always so conscious of the mass of my body. I take yoga twice a week and can’t do balancing poses because I can’t stay focused, sometimes I’m just being jealous of all the people whose bodies are smaller than mine. Obviously, it’s not the entire class time but there is at least a moment during the hour and a half that I’m there that the feeling happens. I don’t take yoga to lose weight. I don’t associate it with weight loss. I do it because I feel great when I leave, my body feels good inside; on the outside, though, I’m still aware and unhappy with it’s size.
I am constantly telling myself that this standard is in my head. In my mind I’m holding myself to Skinny Fit Girl standards and falling short. It’s unfair to myself. I haven’t let go of it, I just give myself a Pass. It’s okay for now, I tell myself, I’m still in recovery. It’s okay for now, I’m on my way to meet this high bar of expectations I hold for myself.
If I don’t let go of these high standards what’s going to happen in 2 and half years when I’m suppose to be recovered? If I’m not there in that time or soon after am I going to fall back into dieting where there is that great potential to fall deeper and spiral down into the Horrors of EDdom? That’s what it’s looking like, I’m already fighting myself about my moms diet. What happens when the Passes run out?
Not know what’s going to happen to my body in the next couple of years is scary. “They” say that it takes the body about 3 years to get back to “normal” and recover from an eating disorder. So, naturally, I anticipate being a comfortable size at around that time. I do yoga 2 or more times a week and I eat healthy, I don’t really overeat very much (nuts and chocolate are my nemesis!). I feel like my weight does not match my lifestyle. I wonder if it’s because I actually am consuming to much or if it’s because my body is broken. I’m so confused! I just keep going with how I’ve been doing life (mostly out of habit) but I can’t help but wonder where I can improve. I just keep telling myself to be patient and keep doing what I’m doing and that I will get there…but wtf! AM I CLOSE?! HOW FAR AM I?! CAN I GET THERE FASTER?! LIKE FRIDAY!
This Friday I am going to a wedding with Burbank. All kinds of stressiness was happening. I have to find something to wear, which means I have to face my body and what suits it. And then there is the the social aspect. I’m socially awkward you guys, which puts more pressure on feeling good which means I need to feel like I look good to be at my best socially. When I’m uncomfortable and self conscious I get all in my head. I have no idea what to expect at this wedding and so all the more stress I put on what I can control, how I look and conduct myself. I’m a control freak and I’m freaking out.
Ugh. I’m too fat for life! If I were skinny everything would be perfect!
(that last line is soaked in sarcasm)