Java Junkie > Choco Monster

I gave up coffee for Lent and the main difference that I’m noticing is my appetite increase. Basically, it means that the bowl full of chocolates at work that I had previously ignored I now hear calling out to me. And I have been answering.

When I had initially decided to quit coffee it was mostly because I thought that quitting coffee would prompt me to drink more tea. I saw coffee as my one big vice. Okay, alcohol trumps coffee but we’re going by frequency here. I had coffee 2-3 cups every day. I thought that I could swap my coffee habit for a much healthier tea habit!

Not so. Turns out quitting coffee awakened the chocolate and nut eating beast living inside of me. Bad News Bears. I thought quitting coffee would inspire healthier habits. Evidently, coffee (w/creamer) has been suppressing my appetite and satisfying my sweet tooth. And so, I want it back. Unfortunately, everybody knows that I gave the shit up and my pride is like, “fuck that! You’re doing this! You can’t let people think you are some weak willed fatty!” Because in my ED addled mind “weak will” and “fat fuck” are positively correlated. I feel like a failure if I quit. Except another part of me is thinking more along the lines of, “well that experiment backfired.”

I’m still debating what to do. I’m not even religious so whatever on that front. It’s more about this idea that I want to eat “perfectly,” or as close to it as possible. After a solid month of living like a Chocolate Monster I don’t think any magic is going to happen in these last 2 weeks. I’m really leaning towards “fuck this failed experiment.”


5 thoughts on “Java Junkie > Choco Monster

  1. 2 or 3 cups of coffee a day doesn’t sound excessive to me. Unless “cup” means 20 ounces or something 😛 Giving it up has left you making choices you are not happy with… So change that. Have the strength to change course and say “This isn’t working.”

    I just had a freeky experience. I’m reading Does Every Woman Have an Eating Disorder? archives and found a comment you left 3 years ago:

    • whoa weird! THREE years ago! My how time flies when you’re 10 feet deep in bulimia. I am drinking coffee again! I started on Sunday and I’m never going back! Worst Lent Sacrifice EVER! One of the problems with the coffee is that it does suppress my appetite which is very EDesque. So I need to focus on keeping a high intake which, of course, is awful. Especially when I’m feeling jiggly 😦 I just googled “weight gain after bulimia and it came up with some interesting articles that remind me that restriction is an awful long term plan.

      Oh! And I have a keurig at work and home so a cup is cup. 🙂

  2. What sort of “cup” are we talking here? Like a mug? Or like an extra-large cup from QuickChek? ‘Cause I can’t function without at least 2 of those a day.

    I don’t think there is such a thing as eating “perfect,” so maybe you could try changing your goal in that respect? Like start out with just eating better. Trade a junky snack for a granola bar or something.

    …I’ll just shut up on that subject because I tried that during the earlier stages of the recovery attempt and it ended up with me getting just as obsessive as I was in the throes of anorexia, so now I’m more like f*ck it, is that a steak?? o.O

    This is the first year I didn’t give up anything. (it occurred to me that Jesus gave up his life and died a horrific and violent death, so giving up excessive consumption of cereal, or bacon, or swearing seemed silly in comparison… or perhaps allowed me to justify the continued use of foul language).


    • MICH! ❤

      Keurig k-cup! A cup is cup 🙂 Though there was definitely a time when a "cup" was a 20oz from 7-eleven! No more.

      The great thing about the paleo diet aside from it being good for people with autoimmune decease is that steak and avocados and bacon and all the vegetables are A-okay! It's about keeping it simple (meat, veggies, nuts, fruit) and [if you can] eat the best quality that you can. I follow it pretty closely aside from my coffee and the occasional chocolate. Of course, I understand that it is not for everyone. Trial and error.

      The frustrating part about it all is that I actually do eat very healthy and "good," it's the mindfuck of it all. My mind is always telling me "not good enough, do better." I think that's the hardest part of it. And it's basically how I got into all this mess. I'm doing the best that I can, and trying to tell myself it's good enough. Trying.

      I'm going to go drink more coffee now.

      • What are your resources on paleo & autoimmune disorders? If there’s a good book out there I’d love to check it out.

        Though my Raynaud’s is confirmed by the doc, she blew it off as primary. I dunno, at this point I’m leaning toward “my body is falling apart because I am so stressed out,” (I’m having job issues and the rashies are happening again) but I may feel differently again down the road. As a nurse/person interested in alternative health/info junkie I want to soak it all up even if it doesn’t apply to me.

        Congratulations on your green light to enjoy coffee 😀

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