Eyes on the Prize

I’m getting better at eating. My fears of bingeing and overeating are waning. This week I did not count calories and I am not worried that I had too much or too little. I did not eat perfectly and I’m okay with it because chocolate is delicious. Slowly but surely I am coming to terms with my body, it’s helped that I’m buying better fitting clothes.
I started yoga twice a week. I feel stronger, my stand straighter and I move better when I practice yoga. I’ve only had four classes so far but I already feel differently; yoga agrees with me. I’ve decided to take this month off if zwow. I like it but I’m wondering if the workouts are putting too much stress on my body.
I really want to recover from my ED. I want to be closer to normal than ED. I strive to be healthy and energetic. I also want to lose weight and look good, which was my tipping point into the land of ED. I know that all the damage that I’ve done to my body through ED behaviors are keeping weight on me and that is what motivates me to keep going. Is that wrong?
I think it’s different now. I don’t want to be stick thin anymore. I find myself thinking girls are too skinny more and more. They either look sickly or really young. I won’t want to look like a teenager, I’m 27 and I want to look like a healthy 20 something (of course, I will be happy to look a few years younger). But I do still want to lose weight, I can’t tell if that’s normal or ED. I tell myself that its okay as long as I don’t let it rule my thoughts and actions like it did (does?) than it’ll be okay. As long as I can still have a life. Spending an entire evening in the company of others too preoccupied with the calories (I’m gonna gain weight! I need to restrict and exercise hardcore all week!) and how fat I look (too fat to socialize) is no way to live. I just want to be comfortable in my body but I still associate that comfort with a lesser weight than what I am now.
As much as I feel I’m progressing I’m constantly second guessing and having to check myself. Recently, it is my mom. Her latest diet has my emotions all emotional.
My mom is doing the HCG diet which is basically eating 500 calories a day of low fat/carbs, high protein. The fact that she would even consider doing a diet so extreme speaks volumes of her desperation to lose and hurts my feelings. (No joke, I tear up every time I think of it.) She was embarrassed to say anything in fear of failing it. When she told me she was gonna do it I couldn’t hold back my opinions. How unhealthy! It’s starving your body and brain! It’s a fad diet! The weight will be gained back! It’ll slow the metabolism! I don’t know exactly how true these accusations are but I don’t believe I’m very far off the mark. They didn’t go over well with her, she just became tight lipped about it.
She came over last week and we went out to dinner. It’s like I could hear the echoes of myself from the past. She ordered a chicken breast and sliced tomatoes wiping off the chicken because it was too greasy and only eating half. She told me how she wanted to limit time with her boyfriend because it would be too hard to be around him for long on this diet. She’s even putting off vacation until she is in the maintenance phase. This diet effects everything. Sounds familiar. It reminds me of my descent into ED hell. I’m afraid for her. Dinner was difficult to get through. I lost my appetite and started remembering the time when the words she was saying were coming from me and how small I was and you could see my ribs and my thighs didn’t touch… I had to keep reminding myself of how obsessed and depressed I was. I had to remind myself that that body didn’t compensate for the life (or lack thereof) around it.
As much as I still want it, I want health and life much more.

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3 thoughts on “Eyes on the Prize

  1. If you ever need more encouragement, go back & read your old blog entries from 2yrs ago. Applaud yourself for being a different person now, give yourself props for all theeeee progress you’ve made.

    Wanting to lose weight is one of the last things to go, it lingers because media/society helps it stick in our minds, but eventually it fades. The intensity of the desire diminishes. Just be kind to yourself by not judging or rushing a difficult process. ❤

    • I actually did it. I read old posts. It was surreal. My fat body is worth the [comparatively] stable mind and moods. I’m definitely going in a better direction. I can’t even believe that it’s been six months since I last purged. Half a year! PROGRESS INDEED!

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