I’m depressed. This post is depressing. You’ve been warned.

I’m depressed. I feel sad day and night. I feel separate from the world, and even from myself sometimes. The most frustrating part of it is that I’m trying. I’m fucking trying and the universe is still bullying me. I don’t even know what to do about this. I just keep going. It’s confusing because I was fine; and now I’m not. 

Of course the feeling makes me want to give up on everything. It feels a little defeating, but then there is a part of me that feels like there is hope. I’m really trying to hang on to that hope and try to believe that this will pass and I’ll learn something from it. But at what expense? How low will I go before I bounce back to normal? And why the fuck can’t I learn lessons without a bunch of bullshit?!

My boyfriend has been “feeling down” lately. I think he just doesn’t want to use the word depressed. But it makes ME feel depressed too! That shit is contagious. My self-esteem can’t handle it. I feel like if I were better, prettier, thinner, more congenial than maybe he wouldn’t be “feeling down.” Ridiculous? Yes. These are just my insecurities I’m trying to fit into his puzzle.

My insecurities seem to be never ending. I feel disliked by everybody-family, friends and even the boyfriend. I wonder why my friends are my friends. I feel like I’m tolerated or pitied. At work I feel inadequate and useless. I feel out of place at yoga, the fat girl. I’m pretty sure one of the instructors who is awesome doesn’t care for me. My yoga friend thinks I’m “so ghetto sometimes,” which hurt my feelings (even if it’s a little true). I feel like my boyfriend just settled for me. My apartment not decorated well. I have a fat pudgy face. I’m big and chubby. I don’t dress well for my fat body (or at all). My personality sucks…I could go on, but I’ll stop there.

All these things and more are flying through my head all the time lately. I think it started with my cousins wedding. I was bitchy and then I got wasted. The dress I wore was boring as fuck and unflattering. I felt like everybody was giving me the cold shoulder and I don’t know why. Which seems to be the story of my life.

I never know where I stand with people. I catch little drops of honesty here and there and it crushes me. Apparently, I want to be all the things that I am not. I don’t even know what I am except that it’s not what I want. Ever since I was young when I foresee one of these little drops of honesty coming my way my ears go deaf and my eyes blank. My mind bleeps it out like cuss words on primetime. I read somewhere that this is dissociative disorder. 

I thought I was getting better. It’s been 9 months I’ve been recovering and I was so proud that it felt so good. Of course, I thought things would just keep getting better. I’m really trying. I eat as healthy as I know how. I do yoga 3-4 times a week. I thought this was suppose to keep my head right. Diet and exercise and relationships, but I feel awful lately. I feel like my brain is swimming in tears just waiting for the damn to break. 

I don’t know what to do. I need to fix this.


I need a hug.

Earlier today I thought, “Wow, I’m doing really well. I feel good.” For the past two weeks I haven’t been counting calories, just eating as I usually do and snacking when I’m hungry. I’ve also been doing yoga twice a week in a class that challenges me just the right amount. I’ve even been sore, which I love.  Cut to after my midday shower (it’s the weekend-don’t judge!) where I got proverbially bitch-slapped by my clothes. Have I gotten bigger? WTF?

My body is so confusing now that I’ve tampered with it throughout my ED driven years. It’s just not a matter of simple math anymore now, is it? It’s not like I can just eat healthy and exercise moderately and my body will shed those unwanted pounds.

I’m so impatient. I’m like violet from Willy Wonka, “I WANT IT NOW!” I feel like I’ve put in the time and now I should be seeing the benefits. Except, I haven’t really put in the time. The last binge/purge happened 6ish months ago but my intake was and sometimes may still be where a dieters is. There have been nights where I’ve drank too much, how much damage has that done? And am I see the benefits? Yes, I am. I’m not the same as I was 6 months ago. My mood is generally better. I have more energy to do things, and am less and less anxious about it. I doubt anybody can see a change in my body size-larger or smaller.

There is a general improvement since really putting effort into recovery but all that shit is out the window when I wiggle into some pants and my chub is spilling over the waist. I want to restrict to 1200 calories a day. “That’s healthy, right?” I think to myself, “I’ve been overeating, really. I mean I’m short, I don’t really need 1700-1900 calories. No wonder my pants are tight!”

Lucky for me I have a lifeline. The wifey texts me through all the shit. Sometimes just texting it out, I can already count the ways she is going to tell me I’m being absurd.

When my clothes don’t fit I need to find something that does and move on. My body size isn’t important, my health is. That’s ED talking. I’m working towards being healthy. I have to tell myself these types of things constantly because it’s not where my mind goes off the bat. It’s only been 6 months, it is good but it takes longer to heal me (3 years they say). I can’t wait for the day when my mind goes to healthy right away and I don’t have to talk myself off the ED/self-hating ledge.

I can’t wait for the day where my mind doesn’t even bother because my body is already there. 

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