My Face Hurts

I went shopping today hoping to buy something to wear tomorrow for Easter. Not because Easter is some special occasion I wanted to dress up for but mostly because I’ve outgrown everything and have nothing to wear that’s not a black muumuu. I was pretty for the larger numbers to look for, I’ve been preparing myself for the larger size. I look in the mirror at my larger body and try to accept what is reflected back at me. I thought I was ready.

I was wrong. The sizes were fine, it was my body that got to me. I went to 2 stores and visiting each of the dressing rooms. I had a moment in each one. Telling myself that it was okay and it is what it is and it is just a body. I told myself that my body was not me and that I am so much more. I didn’t buy the bullshit. Deep breaths weren’t making it go away. My eyes watered and throat constricted and I stifled the cry. I kept it together until I slammed my car door shut. And then I sobbed all the way home.

I sobbed like a child, lip quivering sobs. I still tried to tell myself everything is okay. But I don’t know how I’m going to get through this. I don’t know how I can keep going in this body. I can’t handle it. It’s not okay. I can’t face anybody like this. I’m going to be sick tomorrow and flake yet again. I can’t bare to see my family. I can’t smile. I can’t lie and say I’m fine when I’m asked how I’m doing. I want to die. I hate this. At least when I was wrapped up in my bulimia I didn’t feel this. These REAL feelings. Sure I was numb but numb is manageable. Lying was second nature. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t hold myself together.

Fuck recovery and it’s fucking fatness.

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3 thoughts on “My Face Hurts

  1. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO recovery is worth it!!!! We all have to deal with these feelings, and we CAN deal with them. It takes time, but we can do it.

    When the fat feelings get really really awful and I want to slit my wrists right before starving myself to death, I take a moment and stop, and think back to when I was deep into the ED. When every day was a living hell. Think of those days and ask yourself: do you really want to spend the rest of your life like that?

    Fuck bulimia. Fuck anorexia, and all the others. They will NEVER make us feel better. Not really. They can only drag us down until there’s nowhere left to fall.

    xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

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