I hate everything!

It’s been 9 months of recovery. It’s been difficult but I’ve managed. I’ve kept my eyes on the prize. Health. That’s all I wanted. When I saw health, my prize that I’m working so hard towards, I didn’t see a fat frowny faced girl but a lean and fit girl with glowing skin and a light in her eyes.  When I look in the mirror I see a fat frowny faced girl and lately I just want to cut myself off from the world so I can cry and exercise and restrict and count until the numbers are back into my comfort zone. Until my jeans fit and arms don’t do the doubley wave. When that happens everything will be okay.

My moms birthday was Wednesday. I stayed after and talked with her. That was a mistake. I told her about my eating disorder. It started at 20 and I will be 28 in just a few weeks. She was sad for me but at the end of the day she thinks that I am so smart and I have the will to get through anything. Thanks for the support. She doesn’t seem to think it’s real, like it’s just a phase.

I asked her about when she used to through up. She said she couldn’t even guess at how long she did it. She said that she stopped when she was in a good relationship. 18 years she’s been with him. “Was it hard? Were you always trying to stop? Did you promise yourself every time it was the last time?” Questions out of curiosity and frustration. How can she just not remember? How can she act like it was some arbitrary thing she did and doesn’t do anymore. She finally said that she knows were I’m going through. She’s full of shit.

My cousins wedding last month threw a chink in my recovery armor and now my brain is melting and my eyes are leaking. I broke down and bought a scale today. I had to know. And now I know. 168 pounds. I’ve gained over 30 pounds. How am I going to lose all this?! This is why I never gave “recovery” any real effort! My worst fears have come true.

All I can think about is how I’m gonna lose this. It’s been on my mind since the wedding in July. I bought a scale because I have to do something about this. I have to know where my body is at. I’ve been racking my brain but I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to lose weight for my body anymore. I think I’ve been eating somewhere between 1500-1800 calories, so eating less only means starvation. So…eat more? This is weird.

I’m so confused. I don’t want to be fat. I don’t want to have an active eating disorder. I need to do something but I don’t know what. If I keep on going the way I have…how much bigger will I get? I’m scared.  I can’t get any bigger. Any bigger and I will be shopping in the plus sized section. I want to hide from the world and exercise and restrict until I’m not fat anymore.

ED was a different kind of misery and I refuse to go back, especially after 9 months and 40 pounds of effort I put into this. I don’t know how exactly I’m going to do it, but damnit I will lose this weight and I will be healthy.

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I’m depressed. This post is depressing. You’ve been warned.

I’m depressed. I feel sad day and night. I feel separate from the world, and even from myself sometimes. The most frustrating part of it is that I’m trying. I’m fucking trying and the universe is still bullying me. I don’t even know what to do about this. I just keep going. It’s confusing because I was fine; and now I’m not. 

Of course the feeling makes me want to give up on everything. It feels a little defeating, but then there is a part of me that feels like there is hope. I’m really trying to hang on to that hope and try to believe that this will pass and I’ll learn something from it. But at what expense? How low will I go before I bounce back to normal? And why the fuck can’t I learn lessons without a bunch of bullshit?!

My boyfriend has been “feeling down” lately. I think he just doesn’t want to use the word depressed. But it makes ME feel depressed too! That shit is contagious. My self-esteem can’t handle it. I feel like if I were better, prettier, thinner, more congenial than maybe he wouldn’t be “feeling down.” Ridiculous? Yes. These are just my insecurities I’m trying to fit into his puzzle.

My insecurities seem to be never ending. I feel disliked by everybody-family, friends and even the boyfriend. I wonder why my friends are my friends. I feel like I’m tolerated or pitied. At work I feel inadequate and useless. I feel out of place at yoga, the fat girl. I’m pretty sure one of the instructors who is awesome doesn’t care for me. My yoga friend thinks I’m “so ghetto sometimes,” which hurt my feelings (even if it’s a little true). I feel like my boyfriend just settled for me. My apartment not decorated well. I have a fat pudgy face. I’m big and chubby. I don’t dress well for my fat body (or at all). My personality sucks…I could go on, but I’ll stop there.

All these things and more are flying through my head all the time lately. I think it started with my cousins wedding. I was bitchy and then I got wasted. The dress I wore was boring as fuck and unflattering. I felt like everybody was giving me the cold shoulder and I don’t know why. Which seems to be the story of my life.

I never know where I stand with people. I catch little drops of honesty here and there and it crushes me. Apparently, I want to be all the things that I am not. I don’t even know what I am except that it’s not what I want. Ever since I was young when I foresee one of these little drops of honesty coming my way my ears go deaf and my eyes blank. My mind bleeps it out like cuss words on primetime. I read somewhere that this is dissociative disorder. 

I thought I was getting better. It’s been 9 months I’ve been recovering and I was so proud that it felt so good. Of course, I thought things would just keep getting better. I’m really trying. I eat as healthy as I know how. I do yoga 3-4 times a week. I thought this was suppose to keep my head right. Diet and exercise and relationships, but I feel awful lately. I feel like my brain is swimming in tears just waiting for the damn to break. 

I don’t know what to do. I need to fix this.

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