Recovery is so hard. My BDD and ED thoughts are so ingrained. I decided this year to take the plunge. The plunge being MinnieMaude’s Guidelines for eating disorders. It’s taking me so long to get into this because it is so counterintuitive. The protocol seems gluttonous and lazy. You’d think this would be easy! Gluttony and laziness sounds awesome! Couch. Cookies. Stretchy Pants. YES! A thousand times YES!! But no.
I don’t have a problem eating mountains of buttery broccoli, brussel sprouts, nuts, full fat coconut milk, chicken, beef. Bring it. Zero guilt. I don’t care about the calories aside from hitting my daily minimum. But rice or quinoa? Anything more than ¾ cups every few days and I feel anxious. A cookie or piece of bread requires an inner monologue and most the time I end up deciding that I can just do without. Starchy foods like potatoes, rice, or quinoa are in the gray area, to be eaten sparingly. Cookies and bread are “bad” and to be avoided.
I hadn’t really considered this to be disordered. I just think, “I eat healthy. What’s the big deal? Isn’t this how I should be eating?” And, if I’m being honest (which is what this blog is all about) I still think this. I’m trying to change my thinking. I’m trying to eat with my will. I want to be able to have a cookie and enjoy it with no monologues and guilt. I don’t know how yet, and I’m realizing that avoiding these “bad” foods is not helping me to fully recover. I’m still holding onto this safety net of “good” and “bad” so that I’ll know my boundaries. I am relying on rules to eat, like I have been since I got myself into this mess of ED.
I suppose the “bad” foods are trigger foods. They are the foods that always led into a binge. The ones that make me feel out of control. I don’t know how to see one cookie as one cookie. I think it will lead to an entire box and snowball into pizza and more cookies. Of course, I also associate these foods with being flabby. I think that if I eat healthy foods than I will be less big and less flabby than if I eat “unhealthy” or “bad” foods.
My waist it at its biggest right now and I’m afraid of expanding even more. When I think of what I’d like to have for lunch I am aware of my muffin top and go for the broccoli, rice or “gray area” foods are out of the question. When I think back on my week I feel like a slothy walrus because I haven’t been exercising. My default brain setting are set to, “Eat healthier and exercise.” Minniemaud says, no. And so I’m antsy and fidgeting. My mind races a million miles an hour bouncing back and forth between my default setting and these guidelines, and am I doing the Right Thing?
I do know that what I’ve been doing isn’t quite right and I’m desperate for recovery. I want so badly to be healthy so I’ll try anything even if it means getting bigger right now. I’m having the hardest time accepting my size. And a big part of me is still doing this to lose weight eventually. I want both. I want health and I want smooth curves (as opposes to lumps and rolls). I’m trying but it’s like puberty all over again. My body is changing and I’m confused and uncomfortable, and my clothes aren’t helping.