Remember Thanksgiving when I opted out on all the goodies? Not so with Christmas. Not so. My aunt makes homemade apple pie! And homemade pumpkin pie! And my little cousin made cookies. Yup. Delicious. That pie was straight of the oven you guys! Warm! YES! I had a slice of each and ate a cookie for good sugar high measure. I considered puking it. Mostly because I can and so why not save myself the calories and sugar? Because it’s not healthy that’s why! Because I feel guilty and like shit when I puke! Because I’ve NOT been puking. Because one episode could result in catastrophe.
And so, I did not puke. Please applause for me. Thank you! I’m amazing.
But it’s not just Christmas, is it? That’s the holiday but it is a full month and a half of festivities and stress. So much stress. Stress of buying christmas gifts, food, dressing up, tolerating certain family members, social anxieties and did I mention buying christmas gifts? My mom and I had margaritas to celebrate the OVERness of Christmas because we stress the fuck out trying to find the right gifts for people. And we both wait until the last minute so that we can really feel the pressure of the Christmas deadline. That’s right, raising the stakes! So in the 3 days that I stressed over getting 6 people gifts I wanted to drown my sorrows away in a bottle of wine in lieu of dinner. I didn’t. I’m afraid to drink by myself. Alcoholism. It’s a slippery slope.
There is also tamale day. I passed with flying colors! Granted I was flying drunk but really I think I get all the more credit for not Nomming Out while I’m boozing. And there was the Christmas Luncheon at PF Changs for the office. Flying colors. It is getting easier for me to pass on the junk. The paleo-ish diet that I follow suits me well. It keeps me satiated. Satiated. This word was nonexistent last year before I started it. On Paleo I feel sane. I can eat and be done eating. UNHEARD OF RIGHT?!
I eat pretty much the same things all the time. When I’m eating like this my face is pretty clear and I sleep at night. I’ve learned that gluten, dairy, and alcohol = pimples. And lots of carbs and sugar = up all night peeing. It sucks but it actually works in my favor. Because I’m vain. And I like to sleep at night. And toilet paper can get expensive. Knowing this makes it easier to pass on the junk. It’s no longer “that’ll make me fat,” it’s confusing to think this way. There are so many conflicting diets and trying to recover from ED and the whole food thing is a confusing and frustrating. Now I think of food in terms of my face and it makes it easier to say no when there are pimples and redness on the line.
Except with alcohol. Slippery Slope.
The fact that alcohol fucks with my insulin issues (Dr. Google & Wifey) and also causes redness and little pimples is The Worst because I FUCKING LOVE IT. Tipsy Times are Good Times. And Good TImes eases stress. So, in other words, it’s practically medicinal. It helps with my social anxieties, shyness and it makes me Happy Pants. And the Tipsy Times are gonna keep on coming. I have Tipsy Time Events happening like every weekend for the next month or so. It’s medicinal. 2013 is going to be a healthy year.
It is sort of daunting. I still feel the pressure of ED. Mother fucking muffin tops get me down. I want to lose weight. I try to forget that alcohol has calories and focus on the fun but it’s still there in the background like a creepy stalker person lurking on the outskirts. I keep trying to stay focused on being healthy and let that weigh in heavily on my decision making. This shit is hard but my mind is a much easier place to be now compared to when I’m caught up in the NomVom cloud.