Every now and again I get restless and do some stupid shit. Or embarrassing shit. Or both. It has been about 4 weeks since I binged and purged. I have been following a healthy diet, exercising at least 3 times a week, watching my spending and basically not doing much. I’ve been restless. I’ve been hormonal. It’s the holidays, a time I hate, a time that reminds me how empty and lonely my life is. I feel like a damn pressure cooker left on too long.
My ED, bulimia in particular, has usually been where this energy is…transferred. Not alleviated, as bulimia carries its stresses, as well. Lately, I’ve been feeling too much. Like there is too much inside me. I tend to drink too much when I feel too much.
I went to lunch with our office mates on Friday. Cadillac Margaritas were ordered. Cadillac Margaritas were had…hours later shenanigans ensued. I had a protein shake for breakfast, a greek yogurt with honey (only because it was bought *especially* for me), and a chicken salad at lunch. Too much tequila. Not enough food. I got wasted. It’s probably a good thing that my memory of the night is spotty. I’m so embarrassed of my drunkenness. Oh the shame.
Have you ever been in a similar situation? Sloppy & embarrassingly drunk? OR been around a friend or coworker who was embarrassingly drunk? Please share your perspective. Here or email me directly Flushedagain@me.com Any words of advice or stories to help me feel less shitty will be very thankful!
Oh wait. There’s more. Had sex with someone and 100% regret it. I finally get being so drunk that it just happens. The part of my brain that makes decisions was completely shut down. I know exactly what I was thinking. Nothing. There was nothing happening in my brain. No sense. No logic. Just Tequila. Never have I been in that situation before. Sure, I’ve slept with people that…maybe not the best decision but I made a conscious “fuck it” decision. Not this time. I was not there. The whole spotty memory is definitely a good thing for that span of time. I’d likely feel shittier if I remembered more.
2 drink maximum from now on. Spaced with water.
I was completely out of my mind and out of control that night. I kind of hate myself.
ALSO! This is what scares me. I need a healthy outlet. Or at least a steady booty call? lol (that is Wifeys perscription-I like it.) How am I do deal with all that I feel without bulimia? I don’t have coping skills! When I kick bulimia do I have alcoholism and sluttery to deal with?! FUCK.