My flight leaves Tuesday morning out of LA. But, really, it starts after work on Monday where my illusion of control disintegrates. That is how I see it, losing control. In the past 7 weeks or so I’ve had about 5 days of binging and purging. They were mostly controlled in terms of quality of food. Prior to that entire weekends were spent in the NomVom Fog. So, all in all, this is progress.
I’ve kept my sanity through routine. I eat mostly the same foods at about the same times, I drink a lot of tea and coffee, I watch a lot of TV, I read, and sometimes I exercise. Interspersed with writing-pen to paper-in a journal. Sleep and Repeat. There isn’t much outside of that routine since I’m on a tight budget there is no shopping or frivolous time spent. Even the prospect of hanging out with a friend equates to “spend money” to my mind. I’m a prisoner but adapted. And now I will be let upon the free world-the wonderous world of Vacation where champagne (*cough* carbs. sugars. *cough-cough*) for breakfast is encouraged-I’m scared.
Through much trial and error (and fattening error and fattening error) I’ve found out that I’m addicted to carbs which in the ED world is called a trigger. I basically practice abstinence aside from vegetables on carbs. I don’t even eat fruit (avocados and tomatoes notwithstanding). The elimination of glutton and sugars, of course, falls in this Carb Camp which is a good damn thing since they make me bloat and I suspect are cause of tummy aches. And then there is dairy. Dairy = Pizza Face. Both my mother and my hair stylist first words after “Hi” was the question of “What happened to your face?” So dairy is mostly out (haven’t had an issue with coffee creamer or super dry cheese).
If I were dealing with people who where privy to practice of Paleo or Primal dieting then I would be in the clear. Instead, I’m a picky, fatpants, über dieter. It’s embarrassing. I hate the attention of having a “different” or [worse] “special” diet. Especially, around the sweetest people who love to cook because they want to (a) that they are accommodating you and (b) that you are eating. I hate the attention. I just want to be a wallflower during food time. I even hate the “you’re so good,” I know all this is meant well, but it makes me so uncomfortable. Why? I wish I knew. I wish I would be over it.
Also, I can and do eat an obscene amount of food. What would normally be a salad for a family of 4 is my regular lunch and/or dinner salad. I know that the volume of it is not necessarily representative of how many calories it caries but I’m sure that’s not what other people see. Not that I even count calories because keeping track of those numbers is triggering. I can’t see the gray in calories and food. It’s either ED or it’s too much, the healthy gray is lost on me.
I also eat on a schedule. There is no schedule in vacation land. You just snack to stave off hunger (or, let’s be honest, snack because your tipsy) until we get around to the next meal. I know that if I get to hunger it’s binge city when there is food in front of me. And if it’s carb food? Let’s just not go there…
I think I can be okay. My mom and stepdad are very accommodating. They know I’m weird about food. They want me happy and comfortable. We’ll go shopping and they’ll let me add whatever I please to the shopping cart. I’m sure we’ll be eating over with friends but I’m sure there will be some type of animal protein and vegetable to be had. Even on the boat my mom will make sure that she brings snacky food for me too. If I can keep my head straight I can be fine.
It’s me that I’m worried about. My own emotions fuzzing my focus and getting me thinking bingey purgey thoughts. It’s being too tipsy that might make me get the munchies. (Alcohol Abstinence is out of the question. I have a one word rebuttal: Vacation.) It’s fog that comes in when I fear I’ve eaten too much that urges purges. It’s seeing others eat all the foods that disagree with me and be smaller my frustrated mind screams “fuck it!” It’s me that I fear will fuck it up for me.
Will power is a muscle that must be exercised to strengthen. In my bubble-my prison-the will power is exercised in grocery stores and maybe the office, but even in those places I know what I’m there for. In grocery stores and even at home, I think of money wasted too, which is super helpful. There isn’t any of that in the Land of Vacay. Primary motivators out of the way, I’m going to have to rely on my secondary ones: health, not being puffy (ugly), and recovery. All this with the heightened stress of being out of my element. Wanting to be the best me so that I don’t embarrass my mom and stepdad with…my personality.
If I can stay calm and focused, with a healthy perspective I can get through this and have a great time. And not let my fears get the best of me.