Life is hard as an ED having, lazy perfectionist and money pit. Let’s get started with issue #20392 of Emotional Wreckage shall we?!
Rhetorical. We’re doing this shit.
Just about all of 2012 the workflow has been slow. It was a little worrying but our client reassures us constantly that our work is excellent (the best out of all the contractors) and that there is plenty of work to come. Month after month “the work is coming!” “the work is coming!” Our jobs tend to come in waves and each time we would start to see a swell we would brace ourselves in anticipation of 10ft overhead. It would pass and there would be a few days of browsing pinterest and watching Breaking Bad on Netflix (Best Show EVER!).
It has been taking it’s toll on all of us. I love the company I work for. My bosses (the owners) are amazing! I love the work environment. I’d like to think my coworkers feel similarly. I know I feel like my bosses really care about me and all of coworkers. They take the time to greet us, chat, and make sure we are doing alright. They are go getters and constantly telling us that the work is coming and we are going to have a great year.
These last couple weeks the air has been especially thick with worry. All are jobs were coming to an end and none on the horizon. No snacks in the break room. Pinterest, Breaking Bad, furlough days-OH MY! On Wednesday my bosses called me in and told me that there may be some lay offs and it’s possible that even I am on that chopping block. They stressed that they are hoping it is temporary-a month or so-and when jobs start coming in again hopefully we can come back to work. They even asked if I would be willing to come to work when the jobs do come in because they know that unemployment doesn’t pay what they do. They told me I am valuable and they have plans for me in the future (not just more work but career growth plans). They said they would know more after a meeting that would happen the following day.
It was just me and [codename] Eeyore yesterday. So quiet and empty, you’d almost expect a tumbleweed to roll through the office. I had work to do but sadness loomed over me. Anytime the memory of the meeting would creep into my thoughts my eyes would well up and my pulse would quicken. When my bosses called an impromptu meeting with Eeyore and me in the middle of the day I felt all my organs shut down. “Attention all cells this is a code WhatTheFuck. Stop everything, vegetable mode until further notice. This is not a drill. Code WhatTheFuck is now in progress.”
I did not have to go into work today but I am not filing for unemployment. I am a part of the “core” group that is staying. My bosses paid us the courtesy of giving the day off so that we would not have to bear witness to the layoffs nor endure any awkward goodbyes. The meeting was bittersweet. I want everybody back. I want our workflow to increase. I hate that it’s come to this. The truth is that we are hoping it’s just a month but we really don’t know for sure how long until the jobs start rolling in. Unemployment could still be on the horizon. I just hope with every cell in my body that our company starts thriving like it has never thrived before and QUICKLY!
In addition to all these concerns with income is that same old problem. ED. Bulimia and budgeting just don’t mix. And emotional turmoil and stress is usually a trigger for my bulimic episodes. (Marathons would be a more accurate word, really.) And with those weekend marathons are the weekday attempts at retribution…so much budget bashing fuckery. When I’m actually planning to digest food I eat healthy foods. Healthy foods are not cheap. Not when you can’t cook anyway. I’m more of a sou chef, I guess, I make salads, smoothies and microwave my veggies. I can bake or pan cook chicken or beef but popping open a can is my preference.
What I’m trying to say here is that food costs me a lot of money-the junky binges and the regular healthy stuff. Food is the most difficult thing for me to budget for because of my troublesome combo of laziness and my desire to eat healthy food. I’m picky. And this ED has me spinning in confusion, I don’t know what to eat. I need to lose weight. I want to lose it quickly. On the other hand, I want to eat healthy and nutritious food not the crazy low cal diet food. I don’t know what’s normal, too much or too little. Just abstract ideas and information that I’ve gathered throughout the years through this obsession with food and health and being thin.
The last two week were terrible marathons of bingeing and purging separated by the weekdays of predominately protein shakes, salads and steamed (nuked) broccoli. Today I went grocery shopping and bought lots of veggies but…I can’t say with any certainty that there will not be any binges or purging.
I’m just drifting along…