Who the fuck am I?

I went on a lunch date last week he asked me questions about myself, no big deal, right? No so in my case my friends. No, no. Awkward moments of me wondering, ‘Wait-who the fuck am I?’ ensued. This little thought ball was given a push and has steadily gained momentum since. I’m a thinker, as most bloggers are, I imagine and I’ve been ruminating about myself to exhaustion. And I’m still going because I’m the mother fucking thought engine that could.

It would be so much easier if I fit a stereotype, or perhaps I fit into a stereotype that I don’t want to and am in a world of denial? Possibilities, I think of them. We all know here that this ED is a bug part of my life, I’m trying to change that. I wish I could just cut it out of my life like tonsils, a kidney or an arm y’Know simple. But the reality of the situation (as I see it anyhow) (obvy the way I see it this is my blog not the New York Times!) is that I’m just gonna have to add more other stuff into my life. Kinda like when you are making a drink and you put too much juice in your gin so you’ve got to add more gin to even it out and so you just have a bigger drink. That might be backwards. Maybe. Anyway, I’m gonna have to move my life to a bigger cup.

I need a hobby. And Drinking and/or smoking can’t be it unfortunately. I’m moving in 2 weeks and being on my own and with more time on my hands will allow me to get to know me. As in what do I like to do? For almost 27 years I’ve coasted through life. It’s my habit, a bad habit that must change. What kind of life is that? Costing. Pshhh. It’s pathetic. After I move out I will buy a guitar and learn to play. Also, maybe some paints and brushes and get artsy.

Hobby or not, I am still conflicted about myself. I know that I’m a bit shy which really means low self esteem in my case. I am an introvert too. But this doesn’t mean that I have zero social skills and don’t like being around people talking and whatnot, just that I need my quiet time to think. I like to laugh and joke. I like learning new things, activities as well as information. I’m more outdoorsy in that I like to get drunk on patios but I still like the occasional hiking and camping trip. I love creativity. I like design and art and basically anything that’s aesthetically appealing especially if it sparkles. I’m girly, I love wearing dresses and heels and jewelry. I like reading all kinds of books, I’m open to mostly anything (after The Power of Habit I will be on to 50 Shades of Grey). I’m sassy, and still learning to embrace it. I like listening to music and podcasts. I’d like to think I am very open minded. I am easily amused but with a short attention span because my mind is going in 18 different directions-always. I am ambitious, I always want more and better, and this couple with perfectionism is often hard to handle but I’m trying. I’m not sure if I am easily bored, I think that if I am bored its my responsibility to remedy that and find entertainment; and I am an only child so I have much practice. I am honest and loyal. And other stuff too but it’s nearly midnight and I’m going to turn into a pumpkin. Why is that a thing? Cinderella didn’t turn into a pumpkin her carriage coach-amabobber is what turned into a pumpkin! So not a pumpkin…a hobo? Bitch was looking kinda hobo-ey at the strike of 12.

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