I have been trying really hard all year to get my act together and shake loose from the treacherous holds of ED. I can definitely say that I’ve improved, and maybe that’s all I can ask for at this point in the game but I want more! I need better! I got to have it all!! *ahem* Train of thought: Lost. (Cuz I am greedy and spoiled.) Being so deep into an Eating Disorder it is difficult to see clearly. No, that is an understatement. The deeper I’ve dived into this disorder the foggier my reality gets. At times I was blinded of reality. Actually, most of the time I was completely removed from reality. I’m inching my way out of my ED turtle shell and starting to see a little more of reality.
I decided a couple of weeks ago to start counting my calories again (because I am not happy with my weight). And for the past 2 weeks I have been freaking out about how many I should be consuming. I Have been using an app that is suggesting under 1,000 which I know isn’t right. So…maybe 1200? No, no…I think that’s a little low. 1500? Sure that sounds reasonable. Too bad the numbers make me lose my mind and Shit Goes Down and calories skyrocket and BAM! Bad News Bears.
For some strange reason I was playing with my app and decided I wanted to see the amount of calories that I should be eating to maintain my goal weight. 1820. 1820! Cannot believe! Here I’m thinking 1500 at most. Do you know what this means?! That I could eat 1820 calories to maintain my goal weight! Here I am trying to cut down to 1200 and 1500…well no fucking wonder I am going apeshit with hunger and eating like a monster every 5 days. Conventional dieting is bullshit.
I’ve decided I like this reality. ED world would is not so generous. I can eat 1820 calories no problem. That’s a lot of food! This is an idea I can subscribe to, to eat how many calories of the weight I’d like to be. Of course I am looking more for a weekly average since, my appetite varies daily. (I made a spreadsheet. I’m awesome.) I have also realized that I must come to accept that this may take A While, but the stress that will not be happening is worth the payoff.
I have also started walking every (week) night. Just an hour of walking. It’s a start. I can feel the difference and maybe even see it. I can’t say for sure. My eyes play tricks on me and I don’t really trust them. And I’m still refusing to step on the scale because I am terrified and I don’t think I can cope with that particular piece of reality just yet.
So that’s it. I eat Paleo. I average 1820 cals per week. I walk one hour 4-5 days a week. That’s my rough minimum. It’s a crazy low bar to set. I have to keep reminding myself that my history of ED has changed me and as low as I may perceive this bar that I have set for myself, it is necessary. And, for me, given my history, this bar is not low at all.