I went to a baseball game with a boy whom I am “dating.” It’s not really acting tho because I was tired and drunk (drunk and tired) when I acquiesced to the proposition. My mind and gut has been tormented ever since. I just don’t like him. I don’t want to kiss him. I don’t want to hold his hand. Those things feel so wrong and uncomfortable. I only like him in a friend level, not one iota more.
So why did I acquiesce? I’ve been ruminating on this for a month. Am I craving some male attention? Yes. From him? No. The truth (which will be no surprise to you all) is that I am lonely and I do want a boy. I have been single (dealing with ED). I run low in confidence and self esteem. I thought maybe I was just out of the game too long and maybe if I gave it a shot with him that something might happen. Outlandish thinking. (I’ve made out with a couple of guys since then and it was confirmed that I am without a doubt Not Dead Inside.)
From the first kiss I knew that my outofthegamegiveitashotthinking was Not The Case. I think it was more drunkenness and the need to pass out that this little thought slipped through and I said okay. And then I wanted to rewind time and take that shit back cuz the kiss was all empty and wrong. I NEED A FUCKING TIME MACHINE!!!! QUANTUM PHYSICISTS WHERE YOU AT?!
The same goes for the baseball game. Time machine. I agreed to go and couldn’t back out. In retrospect I probably should have bit the bullet and backed out. I was cold and awkward practically the whole time. My behavior was appalling to me. And the other time martinis warmed my cold shoulder, not enough to be 100% me though. Every time I think about it I get upset. It’s also upsetting at how I act towards him now.
I am basically trying to make him not like me. And I couldn’t help it. Even with martinis I was warmer but still distant and I when there are people around its easier for me to have fun because I’m talking to them (and him in group). How fucked up is this?! Especially when he is footing the bill. (Aside from me having to take my car and use my car for the 200 mile trip >:| )
I’m mad at myself mostly. I screwed up. I knew I didn’t like him as anymore than a friend. The first time he suggested dating I deflected it just fine. This time there was wine and whiskey and tiredness and his friends trying to say we should date (and I smile and say we’re just friends). Lame.
I have to propose Friends Again but I am being a total pansy about it. The closest I’ve come is avoiding kissing him or stop holding his hand (hands at ten and two!). Lame. I think what is holding me back is that I am afraid of what he will say back to me. I get negative vibes a lot from him, like at his core is constant agitation even when he things don’t bother him. And maybe the worst part of it is that I did like being his friend and i suppose I am afraid to lose his friendship. Which seems really obvious and lame now that I’ve typed it out-I need to get over that shit. Bite the bullet!
But wait theres more. In addition to all these upset emotions happening about him are insecurities and *dum dum duuummmm* my Ed. Yup today and last week. And my clothes are tight. And I am comparing myself with all kinds if other girls in the bars and I get to the conclusion that I’m fat and gross. And I probably should try and date this dude because nobody else is trying to date me! All thoughts of rubbish ness, I know. But the point is I need to end it with this dude and really, I’m positive my imagination is blowing shit way out of proportion!
Thanks for reading my ramble! Any advice or thoughts or anything is welcome!