Six weeks ago I made a little pledge to myself that I would eat Paleo and not do the NomVom. I succeeded. The biggest reason that I did it was desperation. I couldn’t continue living (dying really) the way that I was. I was wasting and ruining everything. Where was my life going? Nowhere, that’s where.
These past six weeks I have demonstrated that I can be strong. I didn’t think that I could. I was sure that that I would be a slave to this disease FOR. EV. ER. Now I feel like there is hope that I can live without it. How weird is that completely-from-the-heart sentence? To think that I would feel that that I could not live without an eating disorder? And the even more fucked up part is that I know and feel that I can’t live with it! So where does that leave me? Miserable, might me one word but anybody who has experienced an eating disorder (addiction?) may know that there are not words to describe what it feels.
Who knows how long it will be until I can be at ease rather then dis-eased. Do people ever truly recover from this? Regardless, 80% is better than 30% and that is still better than zero. Better is better. My aunt made a comment to me last night at a family wedding that she’s glad to hear I’m doing good and that she was worried about me for a while because I was “bone thin.” I thought of two things, I want to be 115 pounds and OMG I’m so clearly big and fat. Mind you I have slight suspicion that this aunt knows something about eating disorders, I gather this solely from how thin she is and that I know she’s been on anti-depressants. I don’t see her very often and have never noticed any behaviors but at the same time takes one to know one. Nobody has ever said anything like that to me before, that’s what makes me wonder. Back to the comment, the wifey assured me that it was a compliment to looking healthy and not underfed. Of course, in my ED riddled mind she is just telling me that to help me and not slip into must-starve-must-exercise-will-puke mode which I appreciate. When I look in the mirror and see the sizes on the clothes I’m wearing and the clothes that I’m not fitting into it’s clear to me that I am big and fat.
Big and fat is clearly something that I am not comfortable with, but neither is bulimia. When I weigh the pros and cons of bulimia vs not bulimic. Not bulimic wins out. Neither one is easy but I have a better chance of living the life that I’d like to and being the person I want to be if I recover.
BULIMIA IS HOLDING BACK MY AWESOME!