I used to like going on the “healthy living” blogs. I don’t anymore. “Healthy Living” blogs not only make me envy the thin bodies and seemingly perfect lives of ‘healthiness and balance’ of the bloggers, they are triggering as fuck. Their lives are too much of what I wish mine were more like; which is FAR from the reality of my life. These people do not spend time in solitude, bingeing on food and regurgitating it. The number of times they work out is greater than the number of skipped workouts. They have a relatively healthy relationship with food-not an obsessive and tortured one.
It makes me angry when I see that they can eat all the foods I cannot and not lose their mind and binge. And then feel so awful and guilty and fearful of gaining weight and trying their best to get every morsel back up. Angry and sad as fuck. I carry it with me and I don’t know how to let it go. Will it go away with the excess weight I lose the healthy way? (*fingers crossed*)
The difference between my reality and theirs is such a stark contrast it makes me want to give up and make it starker. Looking at those blogs don’t get me thinking of how my life can improve, it reminds me of how far I’ve fallen. Even if I’m trying to pick myself back up.
I suppose I just need to change my ‘healthy living’ sites to ones that coincide with me. Vegans, vegetarians, the low cal diets are not for me. I’ve tried and failed at them. And that’s what I see when I look at them-failure. Of course, I’m not a failure because the games not over yet. I’m still trying new strategies. Paleo is doing me pretty good so far.
I say pretty good but that may be an understatement. I’ve been bulimic for so long and so hard into it without ever seeing a doctor that I have no idea the damage that I have inflicted upon myself. Likewise, I have no idea how much I’m helping my body either. I’m too proud to seek help, and so I’m trying to help myself. I try and educate myself as best I can. I’m trying so hard.
At this point, all I know is that I’m doing better than I was. I continue to feel very motivated with the prospect of having my very own place. Of recovering. Of being healthy. Of a better life.